Sunday, April 10, 2011

Wasting Away

Time. It's one of those things that are just so difficult to gauge. There are times when it seems to fly due to busyness. There aren't enough hours in the day to get all the things done that need to be taken care of. There are other times when you realize it's disappeared but nothing has really been accomplished.
I always find it interesting at the beginning of any experience when days are easily measured. When I start a new job, move some place new, start a new project, each day really feels like an accomplishment. I can tell you the number or days, or even hours, that I've been tackling a certain task. But generally after a week or two the blur factor sets in. It's no longer so easy to separate what happens from one day to the next, and suddenly six months have passed.
I've fallen into one of those slumps where the days seem to evaporate before my eyes, I feel like I'm working hard on "something" but I can't really tell exactly what. Partly I'm filling out pointless job applications seeing as how I never get a call back. I find myself caught in momentary bursts of inspiration, only to notice several days later that nothing seems to have come of it all.
I've also experienced a strange sort of disconnect with life. While I seem to have gotten back into the swing of blogging, my e-mail in-boxes are jam packed with messages I don't even know how to deal with. Not only are there still pages of ads and such that are tied to wedding planning (sign up for one helpful service and suddenly they're all after you) and job applications, but there are also letters from friends that I should find some way to respond to, but somehow don't seem capable of doing it. It's not even that I don't have time, but that I seem incapable of knowing where to even start, so I just don't start.
I think that's a good way to look at my life right now in general. There are so many things I could be doing, but I just get so overwhelmed by the sheer number of possibilities that I don't do much of anything. I read a little here, write a little there, help out in the kitchen, but have trouble really assessing what I've managed to do when I get to the end of the day.
I've long been aware that structure is important to my life. I work best when I have a plan and just know what is going to happen next, but I'm at a loss to know how to create a schedule when I have no idea what I really need to be doing. I know I need a job, but seem incapable of making that dream a reality. I know people are going to need food, but find myself craving my easy world where I made myself a fruit salad and felt like I'd done something good because I was happy with it. Everything in my world seems to have turned into some sloppy mess that is, as usual, completely out of my control.
So the time is blurring, and I'm ready to feel like I'm doing something for the greater good and not just sitting around and expanding. (sigh)

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