Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Or is it possible after all...

Before I get into this post, I must quickly vent. I just wrote this post. I published this post. I pulled it all together and it was decent enough. Then I noticed that the "labels" section had gone all wonky. Suddenly it said it was about the fair and English Grammar, although I know for a fact that nothing like that was mentioned in the post. So I went to delete those two little errors and republish it, only somehow the text disappeared. Very very odd indeed.

Anyhow, perhaps if the quote exists then it still exists. But I'm getting ahead of myself. I can't claim credit for the title. It is from a poem by T.S.Eliot called "The Four Quartets. This bit can be found at the beginning of the first Quartet in "Burnt Norton."

Time present and time past
Are both perhaps present in time future
And time future contained in time past.
If all time is eternally present
All time is unredeemable.
- T.S.Eliot

It goes along with my thoughts in the moment of how time is just evaporating before my very eyes. Three months sounds like an awfully long time to be out of the country, but the truth is, it's nothing but a breath, held in and then exhaled slowly. It goes so quickly, and there is no way to press pause. The idea that time exists all at once, that it is, in fact, a fourth dimension that we have yet to master and understand, is a fascinating one. I read "The Time Machine," by H.G.Wells last month, and he posed some interesting theories not just about time travel but about the destination of humanity and all of life. Interesting. Not very useful to me at the moment, however.

In about two weeks we'll be back in the US. It's hard to believe, and comes with a mixed bag of emotions. It's been good to be with family here, and to visit with old friends. For my husband, it has been life giving in so many ways. Naturally, it is hard to leave this place, especially when we are uncertain when we'll be able to come back. At the same time, it's exciting to think about where life is taking us. We will be starting fresh. We will be able to really unpack and settle in. I can't begin to express how exciting that is. It has been over two years since I've lived a life without my clothes in sacks or suitcases, and even longer since I've had a place that felt like a home I could call my own. I can't deny, that desire to "nest," to put pictures on the walls, to create a design and spread out, is HUGE! I'm also ready to reach out and be a part of a community again. In some senses, I haven't really experienced that since Hong Kong, which is now almost 7 years in the past.

But the return also comes with plenty of nervousness. Neither one of us has jobs, or any prospects of jobs. We're starting at the beginning. Again. While this always provides a million options, it doesn't always mean success. There is plenty of worry seeking to sabotage my brains ability to properly function. I have an overabundance of plans, from a book I'd like to publish, to craft projects, and an odd desire to learn how to sew so I can keep up with all those other ladies who know how to be grown ups out there. Let's not even talk about my paranoia about up coming kitchen tasks. It's one of those things I know I'm just going to have to deal with, but I dread it the way a lot of people dread going to the dentist.

I find myself, for about the millionth time, on the crux of life change. There is so much to look forward to and woner about and even to fear. I want to do things right, but have no idea how to go about most of the things I'm about to step into. It's exciting and terrifying at the same time.

The question now is: was this post better than the post that drifted away into infinity? Apparently you can see for yourself, for after appearing vacant several times, including in my life feed, the post miraculously has now reappeared. And so it exists in both versions. I'm just going to leave it this way, because I find it interesting to see how my thoughts progressed. If you are afraid it will be to redundant to read twice, no matter.

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