Once a month...

When did I become that person? You know, the one you can never count on to update. The one you check over and over, only to discover there is still nothing new? Even as we seem to be about caught up on our store makeover, we keep discovering more and more ways to keep busy. I'm excited by the progress we have made, but I do miss being me sometimes.

The other day I wrote myself a self help/motivational speech. I feel like I still have to convince myself that I'm a business owner, and then make myself believe it and act like it at the same time. I just have to learn the art of salesmanship, because if people don't buy things that's the end of it. We're definitely receiving a lot of positive feedback on the new look and merchandise, so we're very hopeful that this year will be much better than the last, but it's always a gamble, and I've never been much of a gambler. I've always liked the sure thing, the one I could control. Thus, I was a good student, but that doesn't translate we'll into risk taking...

I think we've finally removed enough dirt and grime to have earned a Sunday not at the shop, but there is a gift show, so I guess there will still be work to do.

On a random note, I'm going to a Philomath High School Survivors party tomorrow night. I was in Pasadena training for my first year in Czech the summer of my (gulp) 10 year reunion, so I figured I should check out this little get together. Should be entertaining.

Well, I'm sure there is something business related I should probably be doing now, rather than reconnecting with the old me, so off I go again. Still hoping I'll attain self normalcy at some point, but not really counting on it as the journal I started last year is still not complete...

2012 Photo Review

After being devastated when Mark told me that my photos had all been lost, I was thrilled when he figured out how to get the computer to work again! Yeah for being married to someone who knows how to make things function :) I thought I'd post a few photos to go over the past 12 months, and finish off some that I never got around to posting before.

January saw me working frantically on the last few pages of my novel (my goal is to get that thing published this year, one way or another) and continuing to enjoy the good life over in Czech.

February saw us enjoying every last minute of our time in Marianske Lazne, while planning for the future. Who knew that a year later we would know the shop we were contemplating so intimately. (We just finished inventory yesterday, which means we now know everything that is and is not in the store.)

Need I remind you, it was really cold there?

March brought us back to the US, and into silence. We spent a dizzying month making business deals left and right, and driving back and forth to Idaho. We relocated to McMinnville, and there really aren't any pictures from that month to speak of.

In April, May, and June we continued to settle into the new routine. Daily drives to Portland became the norm. In what little free time we had we took in some of the local sites, and planted a little garden.

July was a super busy month. We finally had a little vacation which we kicked off with my nephew Ryder's wedding, followed by a week long family reunion to celebrate my parent's 50th anniversary.

My previous posts about the family reunion were cut short, so I'll share just a few more pictures from the trip to Sunriver.

My second cousin runs a ranch for abused horses called Crystal Peaks Youth Ranch, which is located out in Bend. We headed out there for a day, which had all my horse crazy nieces and nephews ultra excited.

There was also an afternoon of rafting that lent itself to some lovely scenic shots, and left my front half a brilliant lobster red.

What can I say about August and September but that they were lovely warm months. There were a lot of beach trips, but with the computer not working, and my obsession with Instagram growing, most of my photos were not taken with my camera. October also lent itself well to beach trips, and I think that is when the incident of the seagulls took place. My parents had come for a visit, and we had to entertain them by making the birds fly!

In November I aged once again. I was joined in the celebration by my dear friend Rebekah, who flew up for the weekend to celebrate both of our birthdays, as well as the birthday party for Jessie's girls who are Novemberians as well. My sister Janet also planned a little surprise, which meant she, my sister Julie and her baby Myrtle, and my mother all landed on my doorstep Saturday morning. It was good fun to spend the day shopping, celebrating, and eating more than my usual share. Good times were had by all. No photos, I'm afraid. I think I'm getting too old for posing...perhaps...

December was a crazy time at work. Anyone who has ever done retail, or worked in a post office, can understand. We were excited by it, of course, because it meant we had a little extra to start our insanity January.

And that pretty much sums up my past year. Except for the fact that I spent 80 percent of my time trying to wrap my simple little brain around the concept of being a business owner, I don't have a whole lot of excuses for being so blog silent. I won't promise a hundred posts this year, but hopefully as things progress I'll be better able to keep it all in stride. I'll also have to add a few shots of our renovation progress. Wish us luck in this big new undertaking as we attempt to improve on all levels in the new year.

A New Year

So last year I wrote up a bunch of goals for 2012. I thought I might go back and reread them as it is January again, and then I realized just how depressing that would be. They were pretty good goals, as I recall. And I didn't do any of them. Naturally, there are plenty of reasons for that. We bought a store, which sorta changed everything. All the same, I can't help but be a little dissatisfied with my performance over all.

I'm not sure I really want to set a whole lot of visible goals for myself this year. We still own a store. It takes up at least 75% of my time. There is no way to work around that. However, I do want to do better with certain things this year. I want to remember that living is still the most important part of life. It is crucial to find a way to live well, even in the midst of working for success.

Being a business person is still not the core of my being. It won't ever be. But it is the life I have now, so it's time to make the most of it. We are currently in the midst of a massive makeover project on the shop. My sweet husband has been working tirelessly to find ways to dress the place up, and searching for new inventory to make it a place we can really enjoy spending time in, rather than being filled with left overs from the previous owners, and a style that clearly reflects that it was founded in the 80s. This breath of fresh air has the potential to invigorate us and our customers in this new year.

Besides seeking to be more driven in business, it is essential that I find more ways to connect with people. Sure, I spend all day chatting with customers, but it just isn't the same as spending quality time with people. Hopefully we will find more ways to engage with friends in the area, as well as maybe getting to know some new people. A girl's got to hope.

I did join up with the Portland Bloggers list, and I would really like to attend some of their meetings this year. It would be good to network with other people in Portland, as well as having a chance to keep my writing skills in focus.

So here's to hoping that this year will be more successful, social, and balanced than the last one. Happy 2013, all :)

A Longing That Lingers

Ther's no way to really put my finger on it, but there are moments in life where I am overcome by longing. I wouldn't call it dissatisfaction, or even sorrow, but more of a sudden urge for things that are utterly out of my grasp.

I remember once when a dear friend spent an evening crying in the bathroom. I let her have her space, but when she was ready, I asked what had led to her misery. Her answer, "I was crying about all the goodbyes I am going to have to make in life." We were not at a point in time where a goodbye was close, but she was suddenly struck by the magnitude of the losses she would experience throughout her life time.

The thing is, I have been wildly blessed. I've managed to circle the globe and make friends in so many places that the sun never sets on the ones I love. But such depth of experience comes with a cost. Regardless of all that modern technology has done to make the world a smaller place, distance still exists, and connections do change.

Yesterday, as I drove over the pass above Newberg, I was struck with a deep ache for the lush green peaks and towering concrete, glass, and steel giants of Hong Kong. The gift of Instagram has allowed me to almost taste the succulence of Hong Kong style French toast, and to keep up with the daily sights of life in the city of life, but I am not there. I can't walk up onto my favorite rooftop and watch the twinkling lights, or go downstairs and curl up with a precious infant. I have to drive for miles to get to work, and the Portland skyline just doesn't have a chance.

Today, on my drive through Dundee, the geraniums around a shop transported me to Cesky Krumlov. The new school year is starting, but I have no lessons to plan, nor can I walk to the grocery store for soft herbal cheese and rohliky.

How does one balance the longing with contentment? It's a challenge, and knowing that I have no option to just set down what I'm doing so I can write another chapter in my travel log is hard on a transient like myself.

At the heart of all this struggle is also a lack of personal connection in my current life. Sure, I interact with people on a daily basis, but it's mostly that surface stuff that I quickly tire of when there is nothing of more substance to be acquired. I guess I'm missing long girly talks with all my roomies of old...

Days of Uncertainty...

I've been trying to answer the question of who I am lately, and coming up befuddled. I've always been... I hesitate to use the word "cheap," so let's say "economical." There really has never been any other option in my life. Now, however, I own this store, which is driven by people buying things. I NEED people to buy things. Not just things that are on sale, but preferably the full priced merchandise. The thing is, it goes against what I would do personally, so I feel conflicted in the process.

When a person looks around a while, then leaves without a purchase, I find myself questioning what went wrong. "We have so many lovely cards and fun gifts, why didn't they get anything?" I ask myself. But how many times have I done the very same thing, never once thinking about how the person behind the counter might be feeling.

On quiet Saturdays, like today, I find myself willing people in off the streets, hoping they'll be overtaken by a need for fudge or a truffle, envisioning their delight in pop up cards, colorful scarves, or the beautiful photos in the cookbooks we have on display. But if I was in their position, I'd likely look around a while, then convince myself not to spend.

In this era of crisis, I keep finding information on how to save more and go without new things. That's all fine and good, and I do it all the time, but how can I justify that attitude next door to the need to keep our store running? Baffling, no?

Then I think of writing, I see my sad, neglected blog, my dusty journals, and my still unpublished manuscripts. Can I claim to be a writer? Am I still justified in longing for someone to buy a card, while denying myself to even enter a shopping mall? So many things to ponder as I sit and watch a fly buzzing along the shop window without a care in the world...

Winding Down

It never fails to amaze me how quickly life slips by. With a three month trip to the Czech Republic, I thought I would really feel like time had passed, but that wasn't the case this trip. True, I wrote most of a novel, did a ton of reasearch on publishing, and got more into social networking, including adding lots of photos to my repertoire. I also read about ten books (the lengths varied, but most were on the long side.) Then there were the trips to see friends around Czech and in Germany, as well as shopping trips with my Mom-in-law. Not to mention the bit about learning how to cook some traditional Czech meals. (Naturally, I still wouldn't say that I've reached any sort of proficiency in that area, but at least if I have a decent recipe I should be able to make an actual attmept.)

When I write it all out like that it looks like quite a lot. But the truth is, it has all flown by and we're down to one week. I find myself gearing up for the panic of packing and stressing over flight time management. I've decided to leave a list of things I leave behind on this trip, so that the next time we come over I won't overpack. It's so easy to forget, over the course of the year, exactly which outfits I frantically pulled out of my bag in order to meet the regulation weight.

In other news, I celebrated my first wedding anniversary yesterday. Any sort of first is always a big deal. While it is true that each day and event is a gift, firsts generate a different sort of sensation. They remind us both of the passing of time, as well as the importance of remembering. Throughout the day I was thinking of little bits of my wedding day. I remembered the muffins we had for breakfast that I could hardly get myself to eat. Every time I have them now, I will be pulled back to that moment. I thought about going through a coffee shop in Philomath and buying drinks for a few of my girls who were in the car with me. It was such an incredible feeling to tell the barista that I was about to get married. Then, that night, I pulled into Dutch Bros. as a wife, and when I shared the fact the girl gave us our coffee for free.

I first started journaling seriously because I realized that every day we live will be both a first and a last. We mark the big events in life (birthdays, weddings, life changes, etc.) but often forget that this day (2-20-12) will never happen again. Regardless of your beliefs about the possibility of time travel, you will never be able to experience this moment in exactly the same way. This is the one shot you've got.

So as I come to the end of this post today I'm left thinking of the three months that have just gone by, as well as the year that I have spent as a married woman, and I have to ask myself if I have really remembered that each of those days was a gift. It's so easy to focus on the irritations in life, or the things that stress us out, but it's far more important to remember a lovely moment sitting on the snow with the sun in your face like I experienced this afternoon with Mark. I'm not generally one to moralize on my blog (though I can't always hold myself back when a soap box suddenly presents itself) but I think this is really worth considering. Life flashes by in an instant. Isn't it better to enjoy the time we have to live and grow and share together, than to stress and worry and make the people around us miserable? Here's to hope that the days to come will bring more moments to cherish and more chances to take ahold of joy.

Or is it possible after all...

Before I get into this post, I must quickly vent. I just wrote this post. I published this post. I pulled it all together and it was decent enough. Then I noticed that the "labels" section had gone all wonky. Suddenly it said it was about the fair and English Grammar, although I know for a fact that nothing like that was mentioned in the post. So I went to delete those two little errors and republish it, only somehow the text disappeared. Very very odd indeed.

Anyhow, perhaps if the quote exists then it still exists. But I'm getting ahead of myself. I can't claim credit for the title. It is from a poem by T.S.Eliot called "The Four Quartets. This bit can be found at the beginning of the first Quartet in "Burnt Norton."

Time present and time past
Are both perhaps present in time future
And time future contained in time past.
If all time is eternally present
All time is unredeemable.

- T.S.Eliot

It goes along with my thoughts in the moment of how time is just evaporating before my very eyes. Three months sounds like an awfully long time to be out of the country, but the truth is, it's nothing but a breath, held in and then exhaled slowly. It goes so quickly, and there is no way to press pause. The idea that time exists all at once, that it is, in fact, a fourth dimension that we have yet to master and understand, is a fascinating one. I read "The Time Machine," by H.G.Wells last month, and he posed some interesting theories not just about time travel but about the destination of humanity and all of life. Interesting. Not very useful to me at the moment, however.

In about two weeks we'll be back in the US. It's hard to believe, and comes with a mixed bag of emotions. It's been good to be with family here, and to visit with old friends. For my husband, it has been life giving in so many ways. Naturally, it is hard to leave this place, especially when we are uncertain when we'll be able to come back. At the same time, it's exciting to think about where life is taking us. We will be starting fresh. We will be able to really unpack and settle in. I can't begin to express how exciting that is. It has been over two years since I've lived a life without my clothes in sacks or suitcases, and even longer since I've had a place that felt like a home I could call my own. I can't deny, that desire to "nest," to put pictures on the walls, to create a design and spread out, is HUGE! I'm also ready to reach out and be a part of a community again. In some senses, I haven't really experienced that since Hong Kong, which is now almost 7 years in the past.

But the return also comes with plenty of nervousness. Neither one of us has jobs, or any prospects of jobs. We're starting at the beginning. Again. While this always provides a million options, it doesn't always mean success. There is plenty of worry seeking to sabotage my brains ability to properly function. I have an overabundance of plans, from a book I'd like to publish, to craft projects, and an odd desire to learn how to sew so I can keep up with all those other ladies who know how to be grown ups out there. Let's not even talk about my paranoia about up coming kitchen tasks. It's one of those things I know I'm just going to have to deal with, but I dread it the way a lot of people dread going to the dentist.

I find myself, for about the millionth time, on the crux of life change. There is so much to look forward to and woner about and even to fear. I want to do things right, but have no idea how to go about most of the things I'm about to step into. It's exciting and terrifying at the same time.

The question now is: was this post better than the post that drifted away into infinity? Apparently you can see for yourself, for after appearing vacant several times, including in my life feed, the post miraculously has now reappeared. And so it exists in both versions. I'm just going to leave it this way, because I find it interesting to see how my thoughts progressed. If you are afraid it will be to redundant to read twice, no matter.

2012: Now Official Worldwide

Well, over here in the Czech Republic we brought in the new year with a BANG! And a pretty serious one at that. My father-in-law is amazing in the pyrotechnic department. It might have taken a little while to get it set up, but that just meant that all the amatuers were finished so they could enjoy a real show. I've got a few pictures of the set up, and I'll try to get them in later, but for now, just trust me, it was amazing. I have now experienced New Years celebrations in 5 different countries, and I have to say that the fireworks here were by far the most exciting. We didn't go into the middle of town to see the craziness there, but out here in our little corner there were all sorts of people setting things on fire and letting them shoot up into the air all over the place. However, at the end of our display there was actually applause. Nice! The rest of the evening was spent quietly watching TV, including some New Year's celebration from 1979 which was pretty interesting. Defintely a different era. This country sure has been through a lot during it's long and tumultuous history, and I wish it the best in the coming year. I've also been thinking a bit about resolutions. I think I mentioned before that I've been hearing a lot more about goals vs. resolutions. There seems to be something mroe palatable in the idea of a goal that you are striving for, rather than a complete an unequivocal change in lifestyle. Some of these are rather general ideas, and others are things brought up by my inspiring husband, so let's see what I can come up with... 1) Collecting more than 5 recipes (not counting cookies) that I am not freaked out to get in the kitchen and make. 2) Publish an e-book (this one is from Mark, who is encouraging me to put out some of my old stories as free books to start creating a following) 3) Contact traditional publishers with my (soon to be) completed manuscript. 4) Finish up some of the other books I have lying around on various devices in various stages. 5) Get a job (did I mention these are in no particular order?) 6) Work on creating a more balanced and healthy lifestyle, as opposed to my general lackadaisical approach (this is partly due to the fact that, while I might still feel 23, my body has slightly different and more bloated ideas.) 7) Scrapbook of my wedding 8) General crafting incorporation into life. (I'm hoping that once we have our own place and can sort of set things up I can create a better system so it doesn't take so much effort. I'd really like to work more with the journal making project that I came up with last summer and see where it can take me.) 9) Find a way to integrate myself more into local life, wherever it is that we "end up." 10) Try to join a writer's group. 11) Improve my Czech. (This is a constant, endless, and frustratingly impossible goal, but it is something I always want to try. In my dreaming of 'someday's I imagine sitting in a real classroom with other language learners, studying Czech in a serious sort of way, but it's not likely to come anytime soon.) 12) Improve my blogging record. It would be great to hit the 100 mark. That only means a couple blogs a week, and if I stay focused I don't see why that shouldn't be manageable. I'm considering monetizing as well, but that's still in the air. There are more things bouncing around in my head right now, but I'll stick with this as it's already a long list. as always, I want to live more, love more, and experience God more. There is so much in life to enjoy and experience, whether in good times or in bad, and I hope to continue making a concentrated to be engaged in the life that I am living, rather than just passively letting it slip by me. So I end again with Happy New Year! and wish whoever stumbles upon this humble blog of mine all the best in life and health and love and joy in this new year.

The Ways of Our Lives

It is so interesting to see the way that things play out for different people. None of us have the same life to live. Whether you believe we were all born for a specific destiny, or that life is a set of chances, predestined or just random, the truth is, no one can say what is going to come in the future. Sure, there are plenty of people who try, but there is no way to predict what is to come. In all my wildest, craziest dreams, I never would have imagined myself married to a younger Czech man. I always wanted to travel, but had no clue that I would end up with passports stamped in so many different lands, and a family stretched over continents. But here I am, and this is the world that I inhabit. Over the past couple of days I had the opportunity to visit with a couple of American friends. One of them has come to the point that Czech is so much her home that she has no desire to return to America at all. Visiting family is fine, but Czech is the place she has set down her roots. The second girl also married a Czech man, and currently lives in a small, remote Czech village with her husband and baby girl. I am sure that neither one of them ever thought their lives would become so centrailzed on a country so far away from their beginnings. As a new year is about to begin, it's always tempting to start making resolutions and plans and trying to figure out what the next year is going to hold. There are those certain this year is going to be the last one for all of us, but they thought that right before the year 2000 as well, and look at how many people are left with rusty generators, and cans of food they have no desire to ever eat. Life is unpredictable. That's just the nature of things. There are always things in life I would like to change. There are personal things, and societal things, and so many things in between. 2012 is going to be another year of fresh starts and new beginnings. I have no idea how it will start, and even less of an idea how it will end. Sometimes my life feels mundane to me. If not predictable, it is at least some sort of normal. Regardless of the fact that I live a life quite unlike anything I ever dreamed that it would be, it is just the life I live. I think the main thing I need to remember that each day, whether full of new adventures, or spent in quiet repose, is a gift. That day will never return. I hope that in the next year I will take more advantage in that truth. I might not have the chance, or the financial means, to run all over the place, but I want to appreciate the days that I am given, and really live in the year to come.

Begendings...

It's hard to believe that the end of 2011 is already looking us in the face. Hard to believe that a year ago I was running around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to plan my wedding. In some ways, so much has happened, and in other ways so little. I don't really know what I was expecting. I'm kind of bad about expectations. The thing is, I have them. I have ideas about how things should go. I make plans in my mind, generally not telling them to anyone else, and then find myself stupidly disappointed when they don't turn out the way I invisioned them. So another year seems to have snuck past me, and I'm left trying to figure out what I have accomplished, and what I need to figure out so I can do it better the next time around. There were definitely some big events in this year. Marriage being the primary one. Hard to even describe how all of that has come to pass. A few years ago I was all prepped to write the story of the loveless. I was so tired of reading about happy endings where people just magically find each other and things get tied up all nice and neatly. I wanted to let people know that there are those of us out there who strive and strive and strive, and still end up alone. But I'm not alone in that way anymore. Out of nowhere, love did find me. I still find myself in awe of the fact that I have a husband. It's not an easy thing to wrap my head around. Especially seeing as how, almsot a year later, we're still living with one set of parents or another. I managed to find a job, get promoted, and then quit set job. It's one of those patterns that doesn't make it easy to think about going out and finding another one. I've got a pretty lousy track record. I'm an excellent worker when you have me. I only take sick days when I am honestly and truly deathly ill. I work whenever I'm asked and I'm incredibly dependable. But then that transient nature of mine kicks in and I'm off again. It would be great if I could say I have a plan for how all of that is going to work out, but employment plans tend to be something I'm not so great with. (sigh) I am still working to finish up my writing challenge. I'm at about 83,000 words and 166 pages. I'd like to get to somewhere around 100,000. That's a nice even sort of goal. Of course, it doesn't look like I'll be finished by the first, but due to extenuating circumstances I've recieved a 6 day extension, so I'm hoping I can iron things out and call it a novel by then. I've been reading several blogs talking about goals and plans for the new year. Seems that resolutions are out, too easy to break and be done with, and goals are in. I'm not quite ready to spell out all my goals just yet, but it's given me some things to think about at least. I'm not expecting the world to come to an end in the next year, so hopefully I can manage to get my head on straight and come up with something worth while to apply myself to in the days that are to come.

Short timer

I've come to the point again where I'm a short timer. It always puts me in a strange mood. Regardless of the life change, it's always somewaht disconcerting. I'm back in the land of the unemployed. My future is once again up in the air. Having always been the sort of person who enjoys a certain amount of control over things, a wide safety net and all of that, I have to admit I'm a bit uneasy. I'm sure things will all work out, and of course I'm excited about the travel that's about to happen, but it's hard not to let the concerns and worries of this life crop up.
For some reason I'm suddenly reminded of this article in one of my old English teaching books about this man who just decided to give up everything and live in the woods. He still had a job, still had friends and family, but he slept in the woods in his one suit and that was pretty much it. I'm not sure what all he was trying to prove, but the fact of the matter is that he did it. He went out and just slept on the ground and cooked food in a pot over a fire like a classical hobo. Of course he also still had connections to technology and wrote a blog about it as well. I just can't imagine having that sort of dream.
Granted, it's equally hard for me to imagine the life I see lived on HGTV. These young couples just starting out and buying expensive homes that I could never even concieve of being able to afford. They nit pick about absoultely everything. I saw an episode of "House Hunters International" where this girl was moving to Abu Dhabi, and she kept complianing about the tile on the floors, like that having ugly floors would ruin her entire experience there. Still a lot better than sleeping on the ground, right?
I know I'm not likely to be buying a house or sleeping on the ground anytime soon, it's just that my head is a bit of a mess. I have to pack, both for my trip and also for moving, and my motivation is at an all time low. I'm not really even sure why. I just can't manage to get myself to get anything done. I just want to play with my iPad, or read a book, or stare mindlessly out the window. I've been getting little things done. I've finally finished my thank you cards, but I still have wedding pictures I need to send to people. All these little things that aren't hard to do, but I can't seem to get them done. (sigh)
Anyhow, I am excited about the trip. It will be lovely to be in Czech again; to see family and friends, to experience the culture and the history, to eat a few different kinds of food (much more for Mark's benefit than mine) and just to get a different view of life. I just wish my bags would pack myself, my life would magically get itself in order, and my motivation would return with the boundless energy of a three year old. I know, asking a lot, but a girl's gotta try.

Two Weeks Notice...

I feel like my job status is endlessly in transition these days as well. Right after getting my promotion, I've now had to give my two weeks notice that I'm quitting. I don't regret taking the job for the short term. It has helped the store out, as well as providing me with more hours, higher pay and a greater range of job experience over the past couple of months. Of course the fact that I've worked CLOSE every single day that I've had this job is pretty annoying. Okay, that's slightly wrong. I was the mid shift one day I think. But otherwise I've had to close by myself since I started working in the Moscow store. That's not exactly cool. Especially since previously I was working only in the mornings.
I haven't actually talked to the store manager yet, that'll come today in a few hours (ugh) but I told the assistant manager. She fully understood, and I think I should still be able to get a good reference, as well as possibly being able to get a job at the same store over in Oregon when we come back. Not sure if I really want that, but it's always good to have options.
So two weeks from Saturday (that's Nov 19th) I'll work my final shift. While I'm totally ready to move on, and really excited about our trip back to Czech, it's also a bit nerve wracking to know that I'll be unemployed once more. Not really my favorite way to be. I pretty much abhor having everything up in the air. I like plans, and having everything lined up and in place. Right now I'm looking at a black hole sort of future again, and, quite frankly, that freaks me out.
It's one of those times when I have to pull back again and remind myself that God is in control, and while I don't have all the answers, he certainly does. I know the road might still be far from easy, but He will make all things right in His perfect timing. Just have to count on that to get me through.
Which reminds me, I got an absolutely lovely gift box from my friends Amy and Nate. Included in the box was a book about Creative Worship from my old church in Hong Kong, The Vine. It's a great workbook, focused on using all aspects of creativity to worship God. I really appreciate that it stresses how music is not the only outlet we can use for worship. This is especially poignant since the main author of the book is married to the music leader at the church. Anyhow, quite a few of my friends were involved in the project, and I'm so excited to see how God will use this book in my life. It's been a hard and strange disconnected sort of year. I feel unsettled and distracted at best, so it's great to revive a little focus in my life.
Here's to the next chapter about to begin...

Halfway point

September is halfway done. Seems like only a moment ago that it just started. I remember when I was a kid thinking people were crazy when they would talk about time flying. Christmas was always forever away. Sure, I was able to make my Halloween candy last until I had to throw the last few crusty lollipops and tootsie rolls away for the fresh haul, but waiting for it to be dark enough to go trick-or-treating took AGES.
Now I find myself suddenly one of "those" people. The type that blink and find that a decade has gone by. Not even joking. College was like five seconds ago, right? How is it possible that April marked ten years since graduation. It just doesn't seem possible. But when I think about it, I know it has to be true. There was the mill, then Hong Kong, then Albany, then Hong Kong again...you get the picture.
I suppose living life by the year has something to do with this. There is such a strange balance in my life sometimes. I love to be organized, to have things under control, to know what's going to happen next. But I live on the edge. I make a life plan for a year. Then it tends to get all thrown out of whack as I make the next plan. And that's how time just freakishly evaporates.
Right now it's been the non-stop work thing that's had my days all in a tizzy. Despite still being counted as part-time, I worked so close to 40 hours (over the course of 6 days) last week, that they sent me home earlier than scheduled. Heaven forbid they'd have to be me time and a half on my paltry $7.30 an hour. This week the SRL (stock room lead) has been out sick. That means I've had to step up and fill in her role. It wouldn't be so bad if there wasn't this silly mathematical equation I'm supposed to figure out to calculate how fast everyone is working and if we're up to company standards. In a word: LAME. But otherwise it's kept me ultra busy. Then I get home and another round of demands are made on my time so that suddenly it's bedtime, due to the fact that I've been getting up at 5:40 most mornings in order to ride "the bike" to work.
I like being busy. Don't get me wrong on that point at all. When I lived in Hong Kong I thrived on sleeping as little as possible. Every moment of every day was some how taken up with people and sights and activity and the joy of life. I actually had to block out times to go to Starbucks where I could be alone (amazing how well that works out in a cafe so crowded I generally shared a table with one or two complete strangers) and get my thoughts out.
The real problem when life gets all hectic like this is that I disconnect from things. I get all caught up in a daze and have to fight to focus on anything. And I have so much trouble getting anything actually done because there is so much to do that I can't even get started on anything. (sigh) I know, whine and complain a little more already.
I'm hoping this weekend that I'll have a little time to curl up with myself and reboot. There has been a lot of sickness going around at work, and I can't deny that there are moments when I think it would be a little bit blessed to fall ill and have an excuse to just do nothing. But I know that, in the end, being sick is miserable. I don't want to be sick. I want to have a job, and to do all things well. I just also need to keep that whole balancing act in check. Like those things I wrote a few weeks ago that I'd like to be doing. They're still there, wanting me to get them done.
Perhaps in a couple of months when we head to Czech I'll manage to find a little time to pull myself together, to figure out how we're going to work things out for the next year or so. Since I won't be working, and haven't exactly been able to save anything since we've been here, it's likely that there will be plenty of down time. I guess I just have to work to keep myself all in one piece for now, and wait and see how it's all going to work out. That's the great adventure of life after all. Just take it as it comes.

Finding my place.

I wouldn't be surprised if I've lost anyone who might wander here. It's been a while. I'd say it's been a busy summer, but that wouldn't exactly be the right way to put it. Yes, there have been busy things. There were visits from nieces and nephews, the endless tedium of the work place, and trips around all the little villages and cemeteries that populate this corner of Idaho and Washington. But there hasn't been anything big. Nothing pressing. Nothing of the sort to call big news, or to blame my absence on.
I just haven't been around. I haven't had the moments to sort my head and get things out. Yesterday I had the day off and was able to force in some journal time. I was almost a month behind! Not even funny. It's just that nothing seems to get done the way I'd like it to.
Things I'd love to be doing:
1)Writing - this includes both literary as well as personal. Journals, blogs, books and poetry.
2)Learning Czech - this is one of those things that seems to escape me most of the time. I'll spend a few minutes going over word lists from Byki, and then I'll lose the time somehow. I know the kind of motivation I need to really study and get down to it, but there just aren't classes on Czech at U of I to immerse myself in.
3)Reading - This summer I've managed to acquire quite a few great books via Goodwill, yard sales, and even an antique store. But do I have time to read said books? Well, not nearly as much as I'd like.
4)Quality time with God - Yeah, I try to get in some spiritual reading in the mornings, and I make it to church most Sundays, but I feel the strain of living a life less passionate than I would like it to be. It's always hard when I find myself in situations where I feel so little purpose. It's in these times that I long to really life, but instead find myself waiting.
The truth is, I've done to much of that in recent years. Waiting for "real" life to start. Whether it was waiting on paperwork to come to the US, or paperwork to make it possible to leave, it seems we've been putting life on hold for a long time. A constant sense of delay before we get into something that matters, something we can call worthwhile. I took a temporary sort of job thinking it'd be a month or two. Now it's been four months, and counting.
5)Transition - I guess this sorta goes with that last thought as well. I've lived a transient life for so many years you'd think this would just be old hat. One year at a time has been the model. Free summers to visit people and have fun. Jobs that follow school years and take me to different locations. This is the last week for all the summer holiday students to be at work. They're getting ready to get back into their studies and I find myself oddly jealous. I was so happy to be done with school, and have often worried that I would have no idea what to do with myself if I went back to school again. But now I find myself missing the thrill of spiral notebooks, colorful folders and pens filled with fresh black ink. I miss the thought of entering new classrooms, trying to figure out what style will best impress the teacher and make the grade, searching for the students that connect with my way of thinking, and those that will irritate me to no end. Yeah, oddly enough, I even miss those types.
Then there's also a girl who is heading to Spain for a semester and the travel bug starts to wiggle and squirm inside my stomach. Even though I know it will happen again, I'll get on a plane and see both old familiar places and new, it's hard to watch other people starting their new adventures while I'm floundering to make it from one lousy paycheck to the next.
Living is such an important thing to do. Vital. To breath in the moments of this life. To suck the marrow out of each day as those Dead Poet's Society members would chant. Just have to figure out how to get it all done, and how to keep on living life to the fullest while I'm at it. The time is just too short to put it all off and wait for tomorrow for things to be more interesting.
I read a blog about living an authentic life. I think it's very true that we need to learn how to be true to who we really are, how to live out what you believe, and to me, a part of that is learning how to really live. It's so easy for me to get caught up in routine that I forget to enjoy, to look deeply at the things and the people that I've been blessed to experience life with, and to be thankful for them.
I noted one of the comments on that blog in which someone said that in order to be true to themselves they wanted to do things just only for them. While I believe that we shouldn't allow ourselves to be overly influenced by the opinions of others, to be truly authentic I want to be able to live in such a way that I make life better for others. Working at Mother's Choice in Hong Kong, teaching English in the Czech Republic, helping to work on a church in Italy, Bible Schools in the Pacific Northwest, these are the sort of things I've been blessed to do, the moments in time when I've been able to impact the world in my own quiet behind the scenes sort of way. I know that, when life is somehow properly lived, I can have an impact on the people around me whatever my job or locale. It isn't always so easy to see, but I know it can be done. And I honestly believe that writing here can be a part of that. I have no notions about having a massive following list or anything like that, but I hope the little bits of my life, the little deviations and thoughts and diatribes that I go off on here, will touch people in some way, make them think about their own lives differently.
I'm hoping that, as summer winds down and we're trying to save money and travel less in order to afford a Christmas trip back to the Czech Republic, that I'll have more time to keep up here. I'm hoping I'll stay caught up in my journal (once I manage to get caught up that is), and that I'll be able to solidify a few more Czech phrases in my life. I don't know if the people I hang clothes with will remember me a few years from now, but I hope that in my quality of work and the way I speak, that I will have a positive impact on them, maybe even help them to see the world in a fresh new light. This is where I am for the moment, and I want to live...

All those life changes

Well, things have changed again, therefore leading to less time sitting quietly in the living room keeping up on blog updates. I've got pictures and news to add about my fun weekend in Portland seeing HK friends, but I haven't the energy at the moment to download them. It will happen. Life will settle and I'll find routine again, but with my parents back in the house everything has changed again. No more of the quiet little peaceful life. The world revolves around food, and keeping track of what everyone is doing. Mark is hard at work helping on the countless projects Dad hasn't been able to get to on his own, and my work schedule makes sure I keep getting up bright and early.
Two of my Alaska nieces arrived today, meaning that everything around here will take on new vitality and a bit of crazy. After living with them for the better part of a year in '06/'07, it's great to have a chance to catch up with what they're interested in and doing these days. Crazy that the youngest is now the age the oldest was when I was their downstairs neighbor.
So forgive the lack up updates for a bit as I try to find a new pattern to my days and sort out the ins and outs of yet another upheaval of sorts. Transience right here in the house so to speak.

Oh Yeah, I Got Married...

Life changes some times in the most startling ways. Okay, it's not like I didn't see my wedding coming or anything like that, but in a sense, it still all took me by surprise. Some of the changes are subtle at first, but as time passes they become more obvious. When you're single for the first thirty years or your life, you tend to form some habits. Most of these habits have to do with the fact that you're responsibilities are few. I'm not talking about what you do for work, or what you have to do to survive or anything like that. Obviously, you could be single and still be doing something that requires you to act responsibly, like taking care of babies alone on a night shift. However, ultimately, you're only responsible for yourself. Your decisions are your own. You can go where you want, when you want (within reason of course.) Being in a relationship starts to change that gradually, but once you're married, it's a whole new ballgame.
I find myself now living a life in which I'm really not in control anymore. Not only is God in control, a fact which I've long had to wrestle with, but I have to think of someone else too. I can't just make up my own mind about what I'm going to do or where I'm going to go. I have to take into consideration the thoughts, feelings, and needs of someone else. And after thirty years of getting all set in my ways about how I want to do things, that's a pretty big adjustment. It would be great if I could say this is something that comes joyfully and easily to me, but that would be a lie. I can be pretty selfish when I get right down to it. I like to do things my own way, and when another person comes up with a whole new line of thoughts and opinions that aren't exactly in tune with my own? Well, I have to adjust.
Living cross culturally has often forced me to learn how to "be flexible." When I joined ESI (aka Teach Overseas) they pounded into my head the importance of living with ambiguity. It would appear that this is exactly what I've chosen as my life style. It should fit in rather well with the transient world I've called my home, but it still makes me stop and force myself to think on a regular basis. No more lackadaisical running around for me anymore. I'm a wife now.
That all being said, I'll jump right back into the big photo share I started working on lately. Along with the collision of friend worlds, I also was so happy to have my entire immediate family involved. To my knowledge, this was the first time all of my siblings, their spouses and their children have been in the same place at the same time, because the last big get together we had was before all the kids were born. So cool.






Sadly, not many people from Mark's family were able to come, but we were so thankful that it worked out for his parents to be there. His mom was really sick the week before they were supposed to fly, and since they're not used to flying, and don't speak any English at all, we were really afraid they wouldn't be able to make it, but thankfully God had other plans and knew just how important it was for them to be there with us.

Having these people, my friends and family, all together to celebrate was really such a miracle. Just look at how great they all looked :)



We also had the usual sorts of things like a cake that ended up a bit sad looking, but at least tasted good.

And these beautiful mints that my sister Janet made. They were just like the ones we had at her wedding only those were sea green and pink and there was such an overabundance that we had to freeze them and continued to eat them for years. She was much better at calculating this time around.

I had a lot more photos I thought about putting in, but for now I think this will have to suffice. It's at least enough to make it pretty obvious that a wedding did, indeed, take place. After years of being more than certain that it would never happen for me, having failed to get my MRS. while attending Simpson Bridal College (funny, they didn't give me my money back...) I at last have it in hand.

Altering Changes

I've been thinking a lot recently about the ways that life can change in a moment. Changes so drastic that they completely erase a way of life. Sometimes these changes are expected, sometimes they come as a complete surprise, but either way, the result can be a permanent state of affairs.
Every day there are people around the world who decide to change their diets. Some do this in a very dramatic way, others "fudge" on a regular basis. All the same, most of them know in the back of their minds that they can give in to their urges is they so desire, they can change their minds back, and return to their former lifestyle. But imagine you're a six year old boy who loves gummy snacks and pancakes and a wide variety of typical kid foods. Your parents might not let you fully gorge on these things, but you regularly experience healthy doses of all sorts of sweetie goodness. Then, one weekend you get really thirsty and the next thing you know there are doctors poking you with needles and telling you that all those beautiful carbohydrates are now dangerous to you, potentially life threatening, even. That's what happened to my nephew Rowan this weekend. One day a sugar-a-holic in true kid fashion, the next day he's informed he's almost certainly diabetic. Talk about a total life change.
As Mother's Day has just gone by I've also been thinking a lot about my friend Becky who was killed in a car accident just a few days after Christmas 2010. All she was doing was driving home from work. Now her husband and two beautiful little girls have to face every day without her. This week she will posthumously be awarded her doctorate in pharmacy. She had plans and dreams. The last time I saw her she was talking about how they'd had their kids young and were going to travel the world when they left the house while they were still young enough to enjoy it. She sorta wanted to live my kind of life in reverse. She was going to try to come to my wedding... And in a moment Christmas and Mother's Day became tragic occasions to her sweet family.
I know there are changes that can be good too. Changes that bring joy and light and laughter. But it's the heavy changes I've been contemplating, trying to wrap my head around. How do you make something so contradictory to what is right and good and normal in the world? I don't have any answers.
As the weather here has been warming up my mood has improved a bit, but I fear it's only temporary. In those days when it was cold and dark and wet, I found myself checking the temperature in Hong Kong. Stupid, stupid. But I did it and was reminded of the choices I made regarding that magical place. I remember the day I left after my first year there. The world I'd expected to be a dream had become such a vivid reality that I had difficulty grasping how I could ever face life back in the US. And true to my state, when I got back it just didn't feel right. I made every attempt I could to return as soon as possible. And 8 months later I was back again where I knew I was supposed to be. For another year and a half I lived that life, then in March of 2005 I left again. With no promise of a return trip. More than 6 years have passed and all that remains of that life are these beautiful memories that are more like dreams than concrete reality. And I'll never live that life again. When I got on that plane that life was finished.
Even my life in Czech came to a solid end. There is the potential to return, but nothing would be the same because my school no longer exists, etc.
I know you can never turn back the clock. Every day is something new and different. The past is done. But sometimes the new day is more different...

What a Wonder, it's the Weekend

Well, we seem to have made it through yet another week. My parents are on the road once again, this time with Adelia and Rowan along. Means things should be extra quiet around here for a few days at least. They almost forgot to bring the poodles with them, but fortunately Mitzi and Trixie weren't forgotten for long.
Things at work continue to swish along in that predicted fashion. By this point I basically know the drift. I'm still new enough to be forgiven when I have questions. And even when I just go out on a limb and make a mistake they're pretty gracious to point it out but not overly criticize. Having worked at jobs where priority number one seemed to be criticism, I'm at least thankful that doesn't seem to be the case this time around. Doubt I'll make retail a permanent lifelong choice, but for now it's doing the trick, and I have to fight the incessant urge to use my store discount. It's brutal really. Ah well.
As things at work sort of level out, I've started talking a bit more to some of the people there. I don't want to be the annoying sort of person who name drops. No one can stand a one upper, if you get my drift. But when people start asking about what I did before I came here, or what my life is like, it's hard not to sound like that sort of person. I mean, I have been a lot of places. I have had a lot of different and interesting jobs. I'm not your typical retail lifer for sure. And my age is so strange. I'm much older than the young ones and much younger than the old ones. Makes it hard to know where to fit, hard not to be making comparisons. And when frames come in with pictures of Michelangelo's David, or London phone booths, it's hard not to point out that I've been there, seen that. I'm not doing it to make anyone feel worse than they do, only to hopefully open their minds to the beauty of travel.
I was talking to a girl on Thursday and she really seemed into the whole idea of getting out there and seeing the world. It was great to be able to share some of my experiences and to see her get excited about some of the options that might be open to her. I think so many people just don't know what all they can do. They look at their personal finances and limit themselves to dead end jobs. But the truth is, the world is out there, just waiting to be experienced. I've been all over the place, and never had anything to speak of in my bank account. Now when it comes to retirement time, I might sing some other song, but for the moment I say, just get out there and live.
Of course then that makes me start questioning what I'm doing at the moment. I start seeing the places my peers are checking out all over Europe and it gets that travel bug all stirred up. And I see the light of longing for Czech soil in the eyes of my Love and I know we need to get back there soon, one way or another. Even though that bizarre nesting bug is squirreling around in my insides as well, I can't quite banish the transient gene that has overtaken so much of my adult life thus far. So hard to find the balance.
I guess that means I really do need to get serious about writing and find some way to get a big publishing contract. I've also been thinking about some of the prospects of e-self publishing. There are some advantages to taking that route, but then I have to figure out just how to market myself. Having never even been very good at writing resumes, it's a bit of a challenge to imagine myself taking on that level of self-promotion...hmmm...
But for now, it's the weekend. Unless I get called in for some extra time again, I'm facing two days of relative freedom. Unfortunately the rain clouds seem to have swept back in. There were a couple positively glorious weather days this week. We weren't quite pushing 80, but there was sun in the blue sky, and jackets weren't required 100% of the time, so it was a start. I just wish the weather would decide to stick with the spring to summer option, rather than rushing all jubilantly back into being cold wet and gucky. (sigh)

Day one complete

Well, after four hours of watching orientation videos I feel, um, overwhelmed maybe? Or more just over exposed. When you spend that long staring at TV screens you really don't get a whole lot out of it. Fortunately they have a first day that is also training or I'd be struggling for sure. My eyes glazed over after about the first five minutes. I had a few starbursts to sugar rush me through, but otherwise it was just a drag. Fortunately, I wasn't alone in training, and the manager was there joking about it all the whole time, so we were able to do more than just go fully brain dead.
In my last post I sorta got off the track of what I'd originally intended to write. I was actually thinking to do a piece on culture shock. There is always an element of that feeling going into a new job. It might be done in your native language, but there are all these specialized terms and acronyms to take in and process. Each job has it's own list of skills, and each store it's own way of dealing with things. I really am feeling rather numb after it all.
I was greeted with warm hugs and sweet words when I got home. It's nice to have someone to support me through all these things. He asked me what sort of feeling I got from the job, if I think I'll be happy and like it there. At the moment I was so filled up with information that all I could do was point out my sadness at having lost another mini bottle of hand sanitizer off my purse. I'm literally starting everything over again, at the very bottom of the heap, with nothing in my background to suggest my ability to do this job. I'm sure I can get it done, can be competitive and efficient and friendly in whatever order they're expected, but it does take a total mind readjustment.
I'm not going to be teaching. I'm not going to get any respect. I'm going to be talked down to out of necessity, as the training videos made it painfully clear. I'm not going to make a lot of money or work decent hours. In truth, I'll be starting Monday morning at 7AM, a thought that sends little pin pricks of fear down my spine. At least I won't be expected to deal with the general public at that hour, but not being a morning person it'll be the usual stretch that such things are. While Julie got all excited about working hours like that, I just hope I can manage to be friendly and active as expected.
I think the biggest challenge will be knowing that I'm not really helping anyone. I've always struggled in situations that aren't somehow service oriented. I need that feeling of working for the greater good to maintain balance. Somehow I have to convince my brain that organizing things on shelves and providing an enjoyable shopping experience is worth my time and effort. I have to really value the fact that I'll be working at a store that provides lower cost fashion to people who want to look nice but can't afford to shop at high end stores. That's a service, right? And somehow valuable... I know it'll be a struggle, but the people seem really friendly so far, and I have always enjoyed shopping there, so I'm hoping to be able to step up to the challenge and make a good go of this new job choice.
I just wish someone would be there bright and early Monday morning to remind me exactly why I opted for a job with this type of schedule!

It Starts Today...

Today I will return to the world of the employed. I always get such a strange feeling in my stomach when I get to this point. Once again, I'm entering into something completely new. Uncharted territory so to speak. I've had such a strange collection of jobs to file away on my resume, and today I enter the world of retail.
It's really not surprising that I've found it hard to get a job over the past couple of months. Besides the fact that all my work experience comes from different states of countries, it also all covers different fields. I have service jobs in both janitorial and housecleaning fields. I have manual labor experience from the mill as well as farther back when I worked in Italy in High School. I have child care experience at Mother's Choice, food service experience from Great Harvest, and a bit of a professional turn with my teaching jobs. It's a pretty mismatched collection, and with the exception of my ESL job, most of it has nothing to do with my college English degree.
As I think back over my career history I really am in awe of all I've been able to do. I've worked with so many different kinds of people. Let me tell you that the people in the mill and those cleaning toilets are a far cry from the fresh young university grads that seek to teach English on foreign soil, or the European gap year girls who want to hold babies in Hong Kong. I've been so blessed to learn from all of these people, to get a glimpse into their hearts and their worlds.
Of course, I file all these experiences away with the hope that they will serve to bolster my writing career as well. I've collected instances, stories, characters, scenery, etc from around the world that I hope will one day allow me to speak to more than my little blog or e-mail following. While I won't allow myself to be deluded, to believe that the world is going to be so interested in what I have to say that I'll suddenly find myself the next big literary star, but I have a voice, I have some vision, and a unique selection of life experiences to draw from.
I'm curious to see what this new job will add to what I've learned already. I'm curious to see how it will shape and form me, how it will educate me in yet another facet of life. The future is still a misty veiled question, but at least I have a little security for the moment, a chance to throw myself back into the world of productive citizens and to support my little family. Strange that I'm no longer dependent solely on and for myself. My time is no longer just my own, nor are my interests.
It's funny to look briefly ahead, to know there will be those learning curve days soon to come, those days when I can still count how long I've been there, and then slowly watch them turn into a line of predictability and routine. I'm starting off part-time, so I should still be able to focus on things at home as well as the writing I've been trying to do. But at least it's a start, a move in the right direction.
Now if I can just keep my "teacher voice," in check and learn to take instruction, criticism and direction all should be well :)