What a Wonder, it's the Weekend

Well, we seem to have made it through yet another week. My parents are on the road once again, this time with Adelia and Rowan along. Means things should be extra quiet around here for a few days at least. They almost forgot to bring the poodles with them, but fortunately Mitzi and Trixie weren't forgotten for long.
Things at work continue to swish along in that predicted fashion. By this point I basically know the drift. I'm still new enough to be forgiven when I have questions. And even when I just go out on a limb and make a mistake they're pretty gracious to point it out but not overly criticize. Having worked at jobs where priority number one seemed to be criticism, I'm at least thankful that doesn't seem to be the case this time around. Doubt I'll make retail a permanent lifelong choice, but for now it's doing the trick, and I have to fight the incessant urge to use my store discount. It's brutal really. Ah well.
As things at work sort of level out, I've started talking a bit more to some of the people there. I don't want to be the annoying sort of person who name drops. No one can stand a one upper, if you get my drift. But when people start asking about what I did before I came here, or what my life is like, it's hard not to sound like that sort of person. I mean, I have been a lot of places. I have had a lot of different and interesting jobs. I'm not your typical retail lifer for sure. And my age is so strange. I'm much older than the young ones and much younger than the old ones. Makes it hard to know where to fit, hard not to be making comparisons. And when frames come in with pictures of Michelangelo's David, or London phone booths, it's hard not to point out that I've been there, seen that. I'm not doing it to make anyone feel worse than they do, only to hopefully open their minds to the beauty of travel.
I was talking to a girl on Thursday and she really seemed into the whole idea of getting out there and seeing the world. It was great to be able to share some of my experiences and to see her get excited about some of the options that might be open to her. I think so many people just don't know what all they can do. They look at their personal finances and limit themselves to dead end jobs. But the truth is, the world is out there, just waiting to be experienced. I've been all over the place, and never had anything to speak of in my bank account. Now when it comes to retirement time, I might sing some other song, but for the moment I say, just get out there and live.
Of course then that makes me start questioning what I'm doing at the moment. I start seeing the places my peers are checking out all over Europe and it gets that travel bug all stirred up. And I see the light of longing for Czech soil in the eyes of my Love and I know we need to get back there soon, one way or another. Even though that bizarre nesting bug is squirreling around in my insides as well, I can't quite banish the transient gene that has overtaken so much of my adult life thus far. So hard to find the balance.
I guess that means I really do need to get serious about writing and find some way to get a big publishing contract. I've also been thinking about some of the prospects of e-self publishing. There are some advantages to taking that route, but then I have to figure out just how to market myself. Having never even been very good at writing resumes, it's a bit of a challenge to imagine myself taking on that level of self-promotion...hmmm...
But for now, it's the weekend. Unless I get called in for some extra time again, I'm facing two days of relative freedom. Unfortunately the rain clouds seem to have swept back in. There were a couple positively glorious weather days this week. We weren't quite pushing 80, but there was sun in the blue sky, and jackets weren't required 100% of the time, so it was a start. I just wish the weather would decide to stick with the spring to summer option, rather than rushing all jubilantly back into being cold wet and gucky. (sigh)

Into the Swing

And so it flows. Life captures a rhythm and catapults me into a running momentum. The days begin to blend. Their flavor softens into a dull monotone. Get up. Throw self together. Head out the door. Then rush rush rush and say that it all matters, all the while knowing it'll be the same again the next day and the next.
I got called in for an extra shift on Saturday. Mark and I were enjoying the beautiful sunshine, walking around the Moscow cemetery when the call came in. Not sure if I mentioned the last cemetery we went to in one of my posts. If not, it was a pretty incredible place. (Yes, this is an aside in the middle of a paragraph again. I swear I don't do this when I write for "real.") It was a small family cemetery mostly. Many of the stones must have been damaged beyond recognition only to be replaced by little plaques saying things like "Mrs. Johnson" when they couldn't figure everything out. The one we were at Saturday sprawls out over a quiet green hillside. The stones are varied and numerous. The old section is, well, quite old. There was clear evidence of hard eras when, perhaps, a bout of influenza cleared a bunch of people out. The large baby section is a quiet witness to just how hard it was for life to press on in those pioneer days. There is even a solitary crypt, as well as a couple plots that reveal a strong European influence.
It's always remarkable to wander through these peaceful burial grounds, reminded of all that has come before, and how all that is will one day be. We're all just travelers after all. Temporary pilgrims in this war tossed world. I wish it were easier for us to find rest and joy in the time we spend here, but, as evidenced by current events, we're not very good at doing that. (sigh)
Anyhow, I got a few extra hours of work in the middle of the weekend. I can use what I can get to be sure. Better to be someone they can count on than hoarding my time off. Plus, since I haven't been register trained, I got to work on "projects" the whole time. Things like colorizing the ties (exercise in futility) and making the ends of rows all pretty and themed. In toys I created a Princess display in honor of the Royal Wedding. I wasn't one of those who got up early in the morning to watch the proceedings, but I did take in a rerun just for the fun of it. Mark and I both remarked on how easy it must have been for them. They could just say, "I'd like this" and it was done and more than paid for. Far less stress. Well, except for the bit about having the whole world watching.
After the fabulous weather we had yesterday, it appears that the clouds have returned. At least it's not too cold. We were really able to enjoy the day. (Another aside, a big branch just fell on the roof. It was so loud I was afraid a tree might have fallen, but it doesn't look like it did any damage so all is well.) Anyhow, we checked out a park we'd never been too, played a game of soggy Frisbee (I still totally lack throwing talent) and checked out the Renaissance Fair. In all, a busy and enjoyable Sunday. So nice not to have to be bundled up for a change. Yes, I'm totally looking forward to Summer. Hopefully we'll have one this year.
My parents are home for a few days which changes the color of life around here as well. It's always nice to see them and to catch up on the little adventure they're having out in Montana. All the same, that work schedule pattern has got me in it's grasp and I know that time will continue spinning faster and faster with each passing day until I suddenly discover myself old and gray...horrifically frightening thought, perhaps even more so in rhyme...

Proofreading with a Purpose

Just when I thought my life was going to be nothing but hardtags and hangars from now on, I had the opportunity to proofread a thesis paper for one of my former Czech students. She's studying linguistics and wrote a very interesting paper covering variations in the English language in England. It was pretty fascinating, and brought back memories of my History of English class in college. It was really so nice to be able to reach out and help someone. She was also pretty much in awe of how fast I was able to do it. Guess my English degree still counts for something ;)
I'm now almost to my Friday of the week. I've only got four short shifts total for the week, so I've made it through three. At the beginning of today I thought it was going to be a real drag. There were a few things from yesterday that I'd done wrong and therefore had to fix today. Let's just say making errors has never been something I enjoy. That's part of why I could never understand bad kids in classrooms, or misbehavior in general. I hate hate HATE being in trouble. Therefore, I always try to do things right in order to avoid any awkwardness. I can accept that it's all a part of the learning process, something everyone has to go through that will make life easier in the future, but it's still a bummer.
Fortunately, by the end of the day we'd done everything so well in the stock room (we were also blessed with FAR fewer boxes of clothes to rehang and tag) that we were awarded "star cards." Wahoo! Seriously, I feel like one of those elementary school kids with a green card. I did good Mommy. I got a Star card. That means I'm special and can maybe win some money in a drawing. Honestly, it totally boosted my esteem and made me feel like the whole day was a bit more worthwhile. Yeah for positive motivation. It works WAAAAAAAY better on me than the negative variety. Yes, make me learn from my mistakes, but making me miserable by telling me how much I suck is never helpful. That would be the reason I quit working at the Maids after one month. That and the fact that I kept getting stuck with this lady who didn't speak any English so I had to do extra customer service work for her while she still got paid for it. (sigh) Probably better not to go there. It'd be pretty lame to still be bitter after like 8 years.
Anyhow, I'm slowly getting into the swing of things. I still don't think getting up at 6 is exciting, but it could be worse. Much worse.
So this day is rounding out well. Kudos at work. A proofreading project I can feel really good about, and a dinner that doesn't really require any effort on my part because we just have to throw it in the oven. It'd be great if all days were so balanced in the end.

Cardboard Boxes and Razor Blades

That's sort of what my new job is all about. Today was day one. Day one which started at 5:45 this morning. I can do this. Yes I can. But perfect...not so much. Combine the typical nervousness about starting a new job and not being certain if my new clothes will fit the "dress code" (note: this is not a uniform so they don't have to provide us with the clothes, but they still reserve the right to say, "That isn't really a blue shirt.") or if I'll be ready to get up in time for everything and you'll understand why I spent a considerable amount of time awake in the night. (sigh)
(Side Note: the way I write blogs is definitely NOT the way I would write a book! All the adds and asides, the wishy washy ways the paragraphs get tossed together definitely don't make for a great writing experience. They're a voice, true, but not one that you use in a professional setting. This is said because I'm currently reading a self-published book that does all the things a person trying to sell a book shouldn't do. I bought it because the author was doing a signing and was friendly and helpful and I thought I should support the local art scene. Hmmm... Let's just say I'm just being reminded of what I shouldn't do if I want people to actually read, enjoy and purchase anything that I write.)
I did manage to pull off a semi-professional attitude at least. In some ways it reminds me a bit of my time at the mill. The people are a bit different than that crew, but it's a similar sort of repetitive busy work kind of job. Today I spent the morning breaking down boxes as the others unloaded merchandise off of a truck and sorted it out. Then I got to put things on shelves and learn where everything goes. Like I said before, definitely busy work, but somewhat interesting and slightly less dirty than working in the mill. Plus I get a chance to see all the new stuff going out on the floor, so when I find something I really want to buy I can put my new discount to work.
It's just part time right now, but by noon I was pretty thankful that I got to go home. The time went pretty quickly, but after so many months of not working it was sa big change of place to suddenly have a job again.
What a strange life I've lived. I mean seriously. It's just odd. Such is my life.

It is Finished...

A few years ago, rather a long time ago I suppose when I really think about it, my dad asked me to speak at our Good Friday Service. It was quite an honor really. I can't say that I enjoyed the Good Friday services of my early youth. Back in those bygone Horse Creek days the speakers were all men, and most of them seemed overly excited by the opportunity to hear themselves speak. Probably they were nervous. After all, they were mostly working type men, not at all speakers, but it seemed to me that they would go on and on for hours and my child brain had trouble retaining any of what they said.
Maybe before I drone and on and on and get totally off subject I should explain a bit about these services. I realize that first paragraph really can't be called a well constructed paragraph anyway. If I was turning that in for a class or anything real I would be laughed at for putting so many different ideas together and pretending they were somehow cohesive. Anyhow, that's all beside the point.
So these services are a time to reflect on the 7 sayings of Jesus when he hung on the cross. It's a very profound time to really imagine the suffering he went through and to reflect on what that should mean to us in our lives today. I love taking the time to really meditate on these words of pain, suffering and victory, all poured out in the midst of the most intensely horrifying experience imaginable. It's not the sort of thing I love in a warm fuzzy sort of way, but in the way it impacts my soul every time I force myself to deal with these important truths.
At the service, Dad would always choose different people to speak about each saying. As I stated before, when I was a kid these were always men. Perhaps it was suited to the era and location. Whatever the reason, they didn't impact me quite the way they do now. Except I always looked forward to hearing Nancy Hood, the amazing woman who devoted months of her life to living basically in solitary confinement in a forest service lookout tower, singing "Were You There," in her mellow tenor voice. It was a haunting experience that has stayed with me from early childhood, and was later carried on by my sister Julie singing the song at the Blodgett services. It was also in Blodgett that Dad broadened the scope of the speakers he used. Soon it was a glorious mix of men and women of a variety of ages.
The year I was chosen to speak I was just back from my first year in Hong Kong, all raw with emotion, and uncertain about the future. (Yes, that's a pretty common theme for me.) True to his discerning character, Dad chose just the right passage for me to speak about. The misplaced English Major rejoiced in having the shortest verse, only three words, in which to pour all her thoughts and reflections. I knew I would have to present the topic in at least three different ways in order to really do it justice, and no doubt now I'd add even more layers.
I made one large mistake, however. When it came time to speak, perhaps it was out of foolish pride, I chose just to speak my thoughts, rather than to read the words I'd carefully thought out and typed up. I've always been better at writing things right than at speaking them. I'm not a story teller but a story writer.
So now I thought it would be nice to share the written version with anyone curious enough to read it.

John 19:30 "It is finished."

When Jesus proclaims, "It is finished," just prior to his death on the cross, the words take on a multitude of meanings. The word "finished" brings about a closure to all that has come before. Jesus' ministry is finished. His time on Earth as the Son of Man, is finished. The prophecies that have been spoken throughout time concerning the Messiah have come to an end, all of them having been satisfied in the life and death of Christ. Along with these finales, Jesus is closing the door on the sins of the world. His task on earth is complete. In his deepest moment of despair, these words are a sign of relief. The end is at hand as he "[gives] up his spirit," and leaves this mortal life.
In the book of John, much emphasis is placed upon Jesus' "in the role of the Jewish rabbi" (Thomas/Gundry 296). This can be seen in the entire passage on the crucifixion in his gospel. Throughout these verses he details all the ways in which Jesus is fulfilling prophecy. In verse 28, Jesus has gone through all that has come to pass and realizes "all was now completed." He then goes on to die so that scripture will continue coming to pass, by preventing his legs from being broken to speed up his death. This also led to him being pierced which also complied with prophecy. Jesus knew all that had been written about him before his birth. He knew what he must do in order to accomplish what he had come to earth to do. His comment that "it is finished," signifies his awareness of the moment that has, at long last, arrived.
There is more to be seen in these words than merely a completion of prophecy, however. These words can be seen as a sigh of relief. The past few days had been heavy on this man. He had been tortured and mocked. Though knowing he was innocent of any wrong doing, he was sentenced to a horrifying death that included being deserted by all those who had once been his friends and devoted followers. The hardest of all, however, was the burden of the sins on his shoulders, leading to separation from God. During the time he hung there, Jesus experienced Hell. As God cannot even look upon sin, Jesus was left utterly alone. It is impossible to imagine what this must have felt like. To go from total harmony with his Father, to no contact whatsoever is an impossible agony to fathom. It is not surprising then, as he hung there adding everything up in his head, that when he realized that all had been fulfilled he couldn't help sighing with relief that it was finished. All the work had been worth it and he was soon to be reunited with the Delight of his heart. This thought would have given him unspeakable joy. He is at a point where he has seen the bleak consequences of sin. Not only has he experienced the life of man, but he has seen where sin will lead. So he gives up his spirit with the knowledge that these people he loves so very dearly will now be able to experience eternal life with God. He has effectively paid the price for the entire world so that all might be free.
In my current position in life, I see another important element in this verse as well. While perhaps not as crucial as fulfilling prophecies, or as relieving as knowing that the separation from God will soon be over, and life has been attained for all who believe, I still think it is interesting to ponder the idea of Jesus leaving this life he has lived behind. Over the past year, I have experienced an incredible life. I have been able to reach out to the world in ways I have never before experienced. By taking care of the babies at Mother's Choice, I have come to look at Jesus life here on earth a little differently than I would have before. Jesus came to rescue us. He lived among us and looked after all our needs, just as I did with the babies in Hong Kong. In so many ways, we are just like those neglected infants. On our own, we are utterly helpless. While on Earth Jesus was able to give aid first hand to his wayfaring children. He was able to heal the sick, and inspire the downtrodden. He could see the needs of those around him, and reach out and touch them, watching the wonder on their faces as he handed them life. He loved them so deeply that when his friend Lazuras died he wept (John 11:35). When I had to leave my precious babies it was so incredibly hard. After caring for them for so long, it was hard to imagine leaving them. No longer would I be able to see to their daily needs. No longer would I know what was going on in their lives. While Jesus is still able to help us in our daily needs and reach out to our wounded hearts, I can't help but wonder if there was some pain in the thought of leaving them on their own. He already knew that there would be trials for them in the days to come. He already knew that Peter had denied him. Here he has given every thing for these people, and now he has to leave them to struggle along in this life without his visible presence. When he said "it is finished" he knew that all of this was over. There would be no more boat rides on the Sea of Galilee, no more walking on the dusty streets of Jerusalem, no more talking firsthand to the people he loves. I doubt that he was sad to leave. He was well aware that he would still be able to keep track of them all, still be there to whisper to their hearts through the Holy Spirit, yet a change was indeed taking place. One that will not be reversed until he comes again.
As I think over all these three simple words can mean, I am again in awe of all that Jesus has done. The exhaustion that he felt at the end of his life on earth is beyond any I can even fathom. He bowed his head with the knowledge that he had done a job well done. Along with that, all he could do was trust that people would see and believe. There was nothing more that could be done for those there watching. The time had come to leave them to ponder all he had done, even as he bore away all the evil of the world. What an amazing gift. What a heavy ending. It is finished.

Day one complete

Well, after four hours of watching orientation videos I feel, um, overwhelmed maybe? Or more just over exposed. When you spend that long staring at TV screens you really don't get a whole lot out of it. Fortunately they have a first day that is also training or I'd be struggling for sure. My eyes glazed over after about the first five minutes. I had a few starbursts to sugar rush me through, but otherwise it was just a drag. Fortunately, I wasn't alone in training, and the manager was there joking about it all the whole time, so we were able to do more than just go fully brain dead.
In my last post I sorta got off the track of what I'd originally intended to write. I was actually thinking to do a piece on culture shock. There is always an element of that feeling going into a new job. It might be done in your native language, but there are all these specialized terms and acronyms to take in and process. Each job has it's own list of skills, and each store it's own way of dealing with things. I really am feeling rather numb after it all.
I was greeted with warm hugs and sweet words when I got home. It's nice to have someone to support me through all these things. He asked me what sort of feeling I got from the job, if I think I'll be happy and like it there. At the moment I was so filled up with information that all I could do was point out my sadness at having lost another mini bottle of hand sanitizer off my purse. I'm literally starting everything over again, at the very bottom of the heap, with nothing in my background to suggest my ability to do this job. I'm sure I can get it done, can be competitive and efficient and friendly in whatever order they're expected, but it does take a total mind readjustment.
I'm not going to be teaching. I'm not going to get any respect. I'm going to be talked down to out of necessity, as the training videos made it painfully clear. I'm not going to make a lot of money or work decent hours. In truth, I'll be starting Monday morning at 7AM, a thought that sends little pin pricks of fear down my spine. At least I won't be expected to deal with the general public at that hour, but not being a morning person it'll be the usual stretch that such things are. While Julie got all excited about working hours like that, I just hope I can manage to be friendly and active as expected.
I think the biggest challenge will be knowing that I'm not really helping anyone. I've always struggled in situations that aren't somehow service oriented. I need that feeling of working for the greater good to maintain balance. Somehow I have to convince my brain that organizing things on shelves and providing an enjoyable shopping experience is worth my time and effort. I have to really value the fact that I'll be working at a store that provides lower cost fashion to people who want to look nice but can't afford to shop at high end stores. That's a service, right? And somehow valuable... I know it'll be a struggle, but the people seem really friendly so far, and I have always enjoyed shopping there, so I'm hoping to be able to step up to the challenge and make a good go of this new job choice.
I just wish someone would be there bright and early Monday morning to remind me exactly why I opted for a job with this type of schedule!

It Starts Today...

Today I will return to the world of the employed. I always get such a strange feeling in my stomach when I get to this point. Once again, I'm entering into something completely new. Uncharted territory so to speak. I've had such a strange collection of jobs to file away on my resume, and today I enter the world of retail.
It's really not surprising that I've found it hard to get a job over the past couple of months. Besides the fact that all my work experience comes from different states of countries, it also all covers different fields. I have service jobs in both janitorial and housecleaning fields. I have manual labor experience from the mill as well as farther back when I worked in Italy in High School. I have child care experience at Mother's Choice, food service experience from Great Harvest, and a bit of a professional turn with my teaching jobs. It's a pretty mismatched collection, and with the exception of my ESL job, most of it has nothing to do with my college English degree.
As I think back over my career history I really am in awe of all I've been able to do. I've worked with so many different kinds of people. Let me tell you that the people in the mill and those cleaning toilets are a far cry from the fresh young university grads that seek to teach English on foreign soil, or the European gap year girls who want to hold babies in Hong Kong. I've been so blessed to learn from all of these people, to get a glimpse into their hearts and their worlds.
Of course, I file all these experiences away with the hope that they will serve to bolster my writing career as well. I've collected instances, stories, characters, scenery, etc from around the world that I hope will one day allow me to speak to more than my little blog or e-mail following. While I won't allow myself to be deluded, to believe that the world is going to be so interested in what I have to say that I'll suddenly find myself the next big literary star, but I have a voice, I have some vision, and a unique selection of life experiences to draw from.
I'm curious to see what this new job will add to what I've learned already. I'm curious to see how it will shape and form me, how it will educate me in yet another facet of life. The future is still a misty veiled question, but at least I have a little security for the moment, a chance to throw myself back into the world of productive citizens and to support my little family. Strange that I'm no longer dependent solely on and for myself. My time is no longer just my own, nor are my interests.
It's funny to look briefly ahead, to know there will be those learning curve days soon to come, those days when I can still count how long I've been there, and then slowly watch them turn into a line of predictability and routine. I'm starting off part-time, so I should still be able to focus on things at home as well as the writing I've been trying to do. But at least it's a start, a move in the right direction.
Now if I can just keep my "teacher voice," in check and learn to take instruction, criticism and direction all should be well :)